together

man is born alone, and will die alone.

But while we are here, we're in it together.

So let mankind rememeber how precious it is to be together.

1 day or 50 years, life is fleeting.

so let us be kind to one another. let us be "together"


Life IS a cause.

Sign her

pride

" thank you, I learned a lot from your spirit"

" thats old Oakland."

when i die

I don't need history books.

but maybe, just to leave something good
and take the bad with me.

song

i know you can't understand it.

but this is for you, for me.

seme

just when i think you're being defensive...

SEME!

wth just hit me?!??!?!


good. keep me on my toes...

or i might just get out of hand.

lenses

its amazing how far you can see when you take off the glasses that you've looked through all your life.

Will you be willing to take them off?

see further...?

horoscope

Would you be able to renounce a detestable habit? If yes, abstain as of now from excessive consumption of tobacco, alcohol, coffee, and heavy dishes.


i fail

"home teaching"

not with just kids.

its amazing how you can be

just by having a good relationship with your parents

when did we as a culture start accepting "no home teaching" as " immaturity" and make it acceptable?

maybe thats why people find Americans annoying.

just quit whining, life goes on.

不言

action, not words.

my entries have been getting too long.

no idea is ever original, everyone's gone through the same growth

expression. through feeling.

time to slice off that ear.

誠心

到這理



人的氣, 怎麼表達.. 我也只有無言.


只能一直誠心的當真的朋友

能不能真的體驗

只有 天地良心

change

so hard to fight.

我願意

its not heavy.

let me show you life.

i saw it.

because for once i let someone see mine.

bandage

two people in need

just need each other.

human touch... healing touch

Its a sensation that can give you some proof of continuity beyond your own conciouss.

its intense, but if you give in to it, and give in to recieve it, it can sooth the oldest wounds.

in keeping my affection, cutting myself off from that one sense.. I thought i could protect myself.

... but in the end I find that, i've just been denying myself the same, because, to touch, is to be touched.

substance

I've been trying to feel for something...some kind of intensity that goes deep.

and I felt it today.

its not something that can be spoken into being,you can't fake it, you just have to have it. that kind of intensity.
other people feel it when it radiates off of you.



I didn't win, I didn't have much to bring, but I felt that intensity coursing through every hair.

go for broke? maybe not on the outside, but inside, i felt something more powerful.

Kind of funny.
I was trying to stay quiet before my matches, and not speak. take my time to read throughly my tenugui, put on my gear, feel out all the contours of my himos.
and in my head I think " i have nothing much to bring, but all I can do is bare the intensity of my spirit, it may not shock them, it may not win anything, but it will move them."
"show them your intensity, make them feel it."
"there is no me, no you, no time"


and for those moments in those matches, I felt that kind of power in my mind and my body.

watching the following matches that the Sacramento girls played was amusing, as Mr. C's cheering/advise kept including the word "intensity" or phrases like " stay intense"
wonder if i was thinking out loud...


I have anxiety about sensei's comments, but I am anxious to know.
did he watch? how did it look? what should i focus on now?
I saw the video, looks much better than the last few, I'm straighter, not leaning as much, and it looks cleaner.

again though... must start transferring my intensity to my body, and express it through more and better kendo...go for broke with real "ki ken tai ichi"

geeeeeked

i'm too happy over this... someone bring me back to earth.

" thats miyata sensei's doh"
>.<

stoke!
and here I was thinking that mine sucked so bad because I kept getting corrected on it.

wheew~!

He was watching me do waza on thursday too.. could barely breath when he was watching, because he'd make good on that promise to beat me if my kendo was "too small"...
and he didn't say anything, just walked away... wheeew...best compliment i can get.

makes me feel so unprepared for shiai's
have to get back to basics.

must.

I try hard not to forget

" .. i remember a time when i thought i had all this shit figured out.. now i see why all those older people were just shaking their heads. A person needs their world and ideals to come crashing down on them to learn certain things, and a certain level of humility."-my kindred spirit

worlds need to break down before we can learn.

its a painful process.

the longer you put it off, the more painful that breakdown will be.

It's gotten easier for me over the years, you learn to identify that pain, and in a small way enjoy it, because you know you can only learn from it.

one song

and the world feels different.

kinda of proves that 我是一個感性的人

什麼都捨得

到這裡　只能送你到這裡
是我沒勇氣陪你走下去　沒有勇氣
對不起　我害怕看見你的背影

不哭泣　說好誰也不哭泣
是我不爭氣　我的眼淚多麼不爭氣
對不起　答應我你要照顧自己

不要你什麼　只要你快樂
再多的辛苦也都是值得
更值得的是回憶是一輩子
我在你心裡住過一陣子

不要你什麼　只要你記得
誰曾是你最依偎的那個
那個人是我　也許走遠了
為了看你多一次微笑　我什麼都捨得

- 戴佩妮


雖然是, 受了傷

但, 突然發現, 我的愛, 我的溫柔, 很難收回來

還是恨不了你

Intensity

this is who I am

I can't stop it

I won't stop it


我會讓你窒息

but I make it fair

lets not forget what we are

Moron

So I was driving down to meet Lissy for her B-day dinner, and as the day at work had passed.. i was more and more impatient and annoyed with thing sin life, and i found my self sighing...hence the previous note..

but as i was driving.. i all of the sudden went from trying to find my breath to laughing, and I hadn't laughed like that in a long long time... it went deep.

I realized, shit, I'm a moron.

its a good thing really. it explains a lot.

So what if the world is the way it is.. i just need to kick back a bit.

i had a good time today, met some new people, and it was really really nice.
good connection good conversation.. well more like talked a lot of shit.. but to get it that well timed takes some skills.

fear

because i can feel it.

because you realize only after you start breathing again that your breath was taken away.

and you didn't want to give it away.



and you realize... that if its making you sigh, then it maybe time to let go.

it may not be worth it



but you realize you're just scared.


I'll admit, I'm scared.

when..

when did it happen?

this line between girl and woman.

is there a clear distinction? should there be?

and do I want to fall on either side of that line...

If only this was how we could all relate.

if only this was how people can be with everyone.
if only we could all pick things up and let them go... and still remember the whole point of it was just to experience life.
then maybe we could be happy.

"Thank you for remembering. Last year you took me to elephant bar with all the yummy. Tonight I had Gnochi that melts in the mouth. I can barely keep my eyes open and I'm trying not to turn overly mushy but meeting you was one of the best things that happened to me. Even if I don't get to see you I just feel much less alone in the world. Thanks for all the Happy."

be happy. please.

conversation

...........

"why?"
"because I care, and you're important to me"
"..."
"i do"
"but, do you care enough not to do anything?"
*thoughtful exasperation* "hmph..... you try me."
"i know i do, or you wouldn't care."
*chuckle*

............


I still remember that... I was 20 then.
Pity the fool that tries to take me home.

number one on my list

http://imdb.com/gallery/ss/0480242/Carell6.jpg.html

little girls, not your time yet.

something mellow, to go with this weather

losing control

I can feel it. its harder to control my body, day by day i can feel it.
I train, I want to have that kind of control over my mucles.
It was getting easier, but now, i'm stuck.
progress is slow.
My mind and spirit have broken through barriers that i never thought i'd find.
But my body is still falling behind.
I can't stop the rythm.
But I need to play a differnt melody.

Terms

I don't know whenn its going to heppen, when life's going to turn and confront you... when death will confront you.
Can you keep your focus and your calm when the apocolypse starts raining down from the sky?
At any moment it can mean your life, it can mean someone else's life.
Will you be ready?
Can you reach into your spirit and find that strength that demands you to choose to fight?
Can you define life? death? without having had that expereince?
When the the time comes will you be focused? will you be calm? will you will your fight?
Death, is inevitable, surviving life is optional, living life is not gauranteed.
So when that moment in life call upon your strength, your spirit..
can you reach deep enough inside to face life, face death, look them square in the eye and say
"I'll let you take me, but only on my terms"

Even if its just a bittersweet thing i feel for now..

you might never find out, but a girl needs to feel like this sometimes.
Thats whats been missing for so long, I've given this up for something logical, something functional... and in the end, this was where i was looking to end up.

* 靠近一点点 - Lara


再靠近一点点

默默在你的身后 守侯的我
多想看你不经意的笑容
或许我的心你不懂
我会努力让你感动
在你眼中有多么笨拙的我
决不放弃追逐你的执著
只要你能再多些回应我
一个笑 或点头 全接受
能不能再靠近一点点
大声说出你所有感觉
别再紧紧关在 只有自己的世界
温暖太阳为你迎接
能不能再靠近一点点
能不能再勇敢一点点
就算让我知道 我永远只是单恋
我也会藏着感谢 笑着和你说再见

想

多一些精神與衝動
去做一些愚蠢的事

活的簡單一點

愛的幸福一點

roller coaster

So, my dad is in some hospital in China.
Saturday I get a voice mail on my phone after work with him breathing heavily going : "this is your dad, listen to your mom, take care of yourself."

What can I do? How do I even find out what the hell happened to him?
Turns out he's slowly been cutting off the oxygen to his heart. he was having chest pains but he's so in the clouds about his own health he couldn't recognize a heart attack for what it is.

He eventually gets to the hospital with the neighbors help and undergoes treatment.

So Mom gets on a flight to China that night. My sister and I both would like to go, but mom just tells us to go on with what we are supposed to do. What else can we do? Go to china and sit in the hospital? its out of our hands.

I was going to stay home from the Taikai, but mom told me to just work everything out. So I did. I'm glad I did. Because otherwise i'd have had the day off from work and nothing to do int he house other than sit and think the worst, I'd have gone crazy. No information until mom gets there.. what to do.

Being around good people helped, just being engaged in thought other than my own I held it together pretty well. Everyone ate lunch together, so I ate. I realized today that I probably wouldn't have cuz i really didn't have an appetite.

20 hours later she gets there and we get some ore solid information, he's conscious, had been conscious the whole time, just in pain. They'd given him the drugs and he's in observation, but definite answer from them about how critical he is, they don't know the right questions to ask. And I still suspect they are giving me the :kid talk" make it sound not as bad to keep the kids calm.

Today things go back to "normal" I go to school stick back into my schedule, and I realized how much focus I needed to even do that. I was supposed to study, and I couldn't even focus on the first sentence in the book. then the next thing i noticed it was 3:30 and i hadn't eaten since the night before. I forced down a few bites of a muffin in class, but thats all I could do.

that class gets going and i get a call from my sister.. I can't pick up.. but its home calling, so i don't know if its because we have more news or what... then a few minutes later i get an international call, most likely from my mom

2 calls in a row. Are they trying to get a hold of me with news? I stepped out of class to check the messages, and mom wants me to call China when i have time.

I had enough.
couldn't finish sitting through class i was going home.

I finally get to talk to him, and he's able to talk on the phone, thats good. he's able to eat.. thats good too.
so he's under observation for a week or two.. thats good so to say..

then the anger set in... the things he said " if i had been taken away thing time.." and crap like " i was just tiered and it got to me, usually i can wait it out." WTF so this isn't your first f"in heart attack?!?!?!?!?!

I don't know how to deal with him, i know i'm mad because I care, but damn sometimes I want to punch him.

SO this roller coaster of emotions. not too fun.

thank you for not taking him yet.


thank you to everyone that's been there with me and looked out for me. I don't know how to show my gratitude.

giving in

i don't want to need this, somehow i don't think its fair to need these kind of things from people...

but maybe its just human... to need more than to want.

女人

要為自己更美麗

要讓世界嘆圍觀止

breathe

its like you never notice how hard you were struggling until the moment you let go.

then all of the sudden you can breath again, theres no more tension

and i see my hands shaking from holding on so hard.

but now I'm fumbling

you forget how to protect yourself

and the world doesn't stop taking you by surprise.

怎麽辦?

不要對我太好

我不懂得怎麽去接受

受了傷

心動因該很難.

something from the old me, something i need to remember

October 2003

The waves of Ocean Beach seem so different than the other beaches I've seen. It's not the first time I've been here, but sadly its the first time I noticed how unique it looked. The waves are so close together and so far out when they break, it seems like the sand itself bubbles and foams. It reminds me of the Little Mermaid legend, where she dissolves into the ocean as beautiful sea foam, to live a brilliant but short life as her beauty did. Short as it may have been, at least she lived for her heart and let her emotions make her alive. And that life may have been short but it must have felt like centuries to her. Waiting and longing day after day hoping for something so far out of reach.
Sitting here I keep thinking of an incident so long ago I'm surprised I remember it.
When he was still well, He had taken us on an excursion on San Francisco public transit, which should have ultimately ended at Ocean Beach. We never made it there. I was young, not older than 8, and we had tiered as the day went by. I vividly remember the moment by the side of the curb, when he asked if we wanted to continue, and my answer was a definite, tiered, no. Don't know why I remember that moment like a burn into my skin, but I do. Perhaps I had some feeling of guilt for not spending more time with him at the beach that he was so excited to take his grandchildren to. This memory caught hold of me as I was on the N train, taking this impromptu trip to the beach on a chilly fall afternoon.
In reality I don't know why I decided to come out of the blue. But as I was listening to the pace of the world draw by like the scenery of an old classic movie, I remembered. We never really came with grandpa, ever. As I sat there on the train I felt that maybe he had led me here today to teach me one more life lesson that he never communicated with words. Perhaps that simple man was pushing me in a direction with some answers to life.
And I cried on the train, as I am crying now as I write this. I cry, but I am so happy still. I will see this as the day thats brought me to a revelation about myself and how i see my life. This is the day where all the confusion of the past few months become clear, and my existence comes to mean something to myself. I feel purpose.
So I come to realize how alive I really am. In a short amount of time I've experienced all the emotions that remind me that I do indeed "feel", and that proves that I am alive, at least to myself. I want to cry, but I don't know if it is out of sadness. I feel so full, so I cry, like a cup brimming over with revelations just to empty itself so that it can receive more. Love, Lost, fear, anger, pride, embarrassment, joy... they all seem to blend into one.
Things change, and sometimes things get out of hand and maybe a little hectic, but I feel like I can look at the world and it's all moving ever so slowly. Melancholy? I don't know, but I get to see the beauty in things, even the simplest of things. A lonely windchime in a sunny window, a shrub swaying in the wind on a city sidewalk, the birds scurrying at the edge of the water where the waves crash... maybe it's zen, if i ever knew such a thing.
And I see a young family of four strolling on the beach, they look happy, at least I would hope them to be.
Don't think I will worry much anymore, everything seems to happen for a reason, as uncomfortable or frustrating as some events in life may seem, how it made me feel. I realize now that it only happened so that I CAN feel. And see that I am more alive than ever, and i think, feel, that thats a beautiful thing. I see that when I stop questioning how the universe works in its never ending cycles of abyss, I can see it clearly. Like i am looking at it for the first time,like a child discovering night and day for the first time. And Life, as I see it has never looked better.
One would think that looking at the world with joy, sadness, fear, hope, anger, love all at the same time maybe confusing. But I can honestly say I've never seen things with such clarity. I can very clearly feel what makes me.
I will take this as my first conscious lesson in life from my grandfather, who I feel speaks with the crashing of those waves. He was nothing more than a father, son, a husband, a friend to many,grandfather, a simple man, but very profound in this lesson he teaches.
I may never be the same, but for better for worse I will always be myself.
This is my day at the beach with him.

不能不承認

想要當 一次

漂亮的讓你面紅的可愛女人

想要當 一次

溫柔的讓你心疼的可愛女人

想要當 一次

聰明的讓你感動的可愛女人

想要當 一次

壞壞的讓你瘋狂的可愛女人

Melody

ame no nioi
kusa no iro
seikatsu no merodi

utsukushii na

just in time

the rain on Friday, came just in time.

I like the rain, and i loved having it on my day off when i could enjoy it. Even if its just driving in it.

its true, a flood this year doesn't make up for the drought last year.

the smallest things, seem to give me some comfort and mean so much more.

放了

也好.

保護自已......有一點累

不能再等待 追不上的腳步

也許...

你沒有

但是

今天我笑了

likewise

你對我的好, 我都知道

謝謝你的溫柔.

Expression

i need this outlet because it fills a void somehwere.

its why i wanted to choose art to choose music to choose ideas.

why paint? because it has this human touch that cannot be created by anyhting else other than our hands and out minds.

its that ability that makes us more than computers, it makes me feel human.

the flaws in the lines, in my paint storkes... its all very human, so tangible, and so undiciplined.
Its one of the places where imperfection is supposed to define what i do.
like kendo.
everyday you train, you're getting told what you're doing wrong. and everything you get yelled at for are the most bsic and most detrimental flaws to your kendo. so you train more. work harder, but its never going to be perfect
becasue its not human to be perfect
it makes me feel very human.

but thats the beauty of being human, that we can never be perfect but we can always be better.
the possibility to constantly move forward and be the become better, to progress, we have that.

work

Jellies in BC



Fable: Fox and Grapes

On Love...

Please, bear with me, as I get all sappy for a moment. But know here, that this is a bigger idea than that of romantic sentiments. Love, as an interaction between people.

So it seems... all I hear these days from everyone.. is this outcry of needing to "be loved".

When did this happen?.. when did it become such a one directional thing? Love?
Everyone wants to "be loved". Who is there to "give love"?

I think, its a part of being human, our ability and need to "give love".
Yet, we seem to hold back, wait for other people to take that first step... so in the end we're all in a stalemate...this waiting game. Like a crowd of people waiting cross the street without a stoplight, it just takes that first person to take a chance and step out into traffic.
Why? Why do we have to wait for other people to make that first move? What do we really have to lose? Giving love doesn't cost anything , but to care, even if its the smallest amount. There doesn't even need to be a physical manifestation of it, just a connect between two consciousnesses.

Maybe a lot of our problems don't stem from "not being loved", but from "not being able to love".

There seems to be a lot of discussion on having children as I approach a certain age, and so far I've only heard one valid and acceptable reason to have them, from an old friend that taught me a lot about life, and my love as it were.
He said " I want children, because I have a lot of love to give."

We're so focused on "being loved", that we forget how good it feels to give it, we forget that to love someone else, to "give love", is essential in the process of "being loved".

And why not "give love"? its the only aspect of it we can control, that we can pro actively create. We can't control if someone will "love you" and we can't ever choose to "not love" if it is already there, but we can actively choose "to love".

so let us "give love"

"It’s only the air you took and the breath you left"

-John Mayer


When I look for something inside myself that I can't find many answers to, there are shadows that help me find light. More often than not, as of late, they have been yours.
You said, I saved you, I still don't know how I ever could. Our paths only crossed for a brief moment, but I learned so much, enough that I know its changed my life.
We knew that this would be it, we knew that we would only become shadows in each other's lives, how ever changed we were out of our encounter.

I hope that Grecian sun is good to you, as I hope life will be kind for you. Thank you for your willingness to "give love".


Crazy how people can show up, change your life by teaching you something, even if its just one thing. And how they may never appear in your life again, but that connect is never broken, and you know that someone out there cares. They don't just impact your story, they help write it.

romance is..

..thesond of a cofee house.. the smell of jazz.. the kiss of fog on your cheeks.. the movement of sand... the stillness of waves... the flutter of drapes... the coolness of sheets...

take flight

So here I am in the Dynasty lounge of rhte taipei ariport waiting for the connection to HK.
Lovely place they seat you and serve you food, free internet.
And the food isn't jsut some lazy snacks liek the lounge in the sfo airport.. full menus of hot items and stuff.
i dont think the chinese service poeple are used to poeple being polite back to them... seems to be catching them off gaurd.

Suprisingly I had slept for most of the time on the plane, I remeber as a kid I would never sleep and jsut go to the bathroom every 5 minutes... just becasue it was something to do.
Pleanty of things to do in Business class now, but i sleep.
But somethings don't change... like when they bring out the food and i see the dreaded airplane dinner roll.
i know, they up the standards years ago, and in dynasty class its better food.. better service... complimentary pre meal alcohol and plated service with real cloth napkins and all..
but it still is the sir plane food dinner roll..
i see it and.. for some reason I really want to chuck it across the cabin.



Ever chase the sun? Ever run away from it?
Its a glorious feeling to be able to keep up with it, flying abouve the clouds makes the world look different, its like this sea of fluffyness as far as you can see and the the sun comes up in the distance and you can cleary see the streaks of yellow and pink hit the top of the clouds at an angle, so the contous of the fluffy blanket are really clear.
The sun was coming up behind us as i fell asleep, then when iawoke, it was still coming up behind us.

hope

i was once sad to discover the frailty of humankind.
And because of that, I had lost faith.
With time, I've come to find the kindness that is till there.
to have faith in humanity despite knowing its frailty, that is my hope.

what were we waiting for?

" What were we waiting for when we could have been better people all on our own all this time"-earl

heaven

Maybe.. heaven isn't a place where you get everything you want, its just a place where you no longer want anything.

kumquats

can we start over?
i believe we can.
We can make it if we can.

the world is my apple I jsut have to eat it.

I will live in a great loft with large windows, in a fabulous location, exposed brick walls, lots of space, grand ceilings, wood or lamnet floors.
I will have a lovely country home. cosy but with a grand library, fitness facility or sauna, steam room, indoor pool whirlpool and woodfloors and high ceilings.
I will be able to live off my art. My art change how people think, it will make an impact. My art will be valuable to mankind.
I will beable to care for my parents.
I will love and be loved sincerly and truthfully.
I will be accomplished in Kendo. I will make my sensei proud. I will suceed.
I will be fit. I am lovely.
I will be healthy, happy and carefree. I will live long and well.
I must have faith in it.
The things I want in life as I now realize. I can have now.
This is my messsge to the universe, this is my shopping list.
I now entrust the world to manifest my heart's creations.
I will continue to live as I should and head towards these goals.
The pieces will all fit together as they should.

maybe I'm ready

I think that i'm ready. I think he's ready.

I think its jsut a matter of me finishing school.

Maybe, he could be in seattle and i'll be in vancouver.
the would work.

I can do this.