something from the old me, something i need to remember

October 2003

The waves of Ocean Beach seem so different than the other beaches I've seen. It's not the first time I've been here, but sadly its the first time I noticed how unique it looked. The waves are so close together and so far out when they break, it seems like the sand itself bubbles and foams. It reminds me of the Little Mermaid legend, where she dissolves into the ocean as beautiful sea foam, to live a brilliant but short life as her beauty did. Short as it may have been, at least she lived for her heart and let her emotions make her alive. And that life may have been short but it must have felt like centuries to her. Waiting and longing day after day hoping for something so far out of reach.
Sitting here I keep thinking of an incident so long ago I'm surprised I remember it.
When he was still well, He had taken us on an excursion on San Francisco public transit, which should have ultimately ended at Ocean Beach. We never made it there. I was young, not older than 8, and we had tiered as the day went by. I vividly remember the moment by the side of the curb, when he asked if we wanted to continue, and my answer was a definite, tiered, no. Don't know why I remember that moment like a burn into my skin, but I do. Perhaps I had some feeling of guilt for not spending more time with him at the beach that he was so excited to take his grandchildren to. This memory caught hold of me as I was on the N train, taking this impromptu trip to the beach on a chilly fall afternoon.
In reality I don't know why I decided to come out of the blue. But as I was listening to the pace of the world draw by like the scenery of an old classic movie, I remembered. We never really came with grandpa, ever. As I sat there on the train I felt that maybe he had led me here today to teach me one more life lesson that he never communicated with words. Perhaps that simple man was pushing me in a direction with some answers to life.
And I cried on the train, as I am crying now as I write this. I cry, but I am so happy still. I will see this as the day thats brought me to a revelation about myself and how i see my life. This is the day where all the confusion of the past few months become clear, and my existence comes to mean something to myself. I feel purpose.
So I come to realize how alive I really am. In a short amount of time I've experienced all the emotions that remind me that I do indeed "feel", and that proves that I am alive, at least to myself. I want to cry, but I don't know if it is out of sadness. I feel so full, so I cry, like a cup brimming over with revelations just to empty itself so that it can receive more. Love, Lost, fear, anger, pride, embarrassment, joy... they all seem to blend into one.
Things change, and sometimes things get out of hand and maybe a little hectic, but I feel like I can look at the world and it's all moving ever so slowly. Melancholy? I don't know, but I get to see the beauty in things, even the simplest of things. A lonely windchime in a sunny window, a shrub swaying in the wind on a city sidewalk, the birds scurrying at the edge of the water where the waves crash... maybe it's zen, if i ever knew such a thing.
And I see a young family of four strolling on the beach, they look happy, at least I would hope them to be.
Don't think I will worry much anymore, everything seems to happen for a reason, as uncomfortable or frustrating as some events in life may seem, how it made me feel. I realize now that it only happened so that I CAN feel. And see that I am more alive than ever, and i think, feel, that thats a beautiful thing. I see that when I stop questioning how the universe works in its never ending cycles of abyss, I can see it clearly. Like i am looking at it for the first time,like a child discovering night and day for the first time. And Life, as I see it has never looked better.
One would think that looking at the world with joy, sadness, fear, hope, anger, love all at the same time maybe confusing. But I can honestly say I've never seen things with such clarity. I can very clearly feel what makes me.
I will take this as my first conscious lesson in life from my grandfather, who I feel speaks with the crashing of those waves. He was nothing more than a father, son, a husband, a friend to many,grandfather, a simple man, but very profound in this lesson he teaches.
I may never be the same, but for better for worse I will always be myself.
This is my day at the beach with him.