roller coaster

So, my dad is in some hospital in China.
Saturday I get a voice mail on my phone after work with him breathing heavily going : "this is your dad, listen to your mom, take care of yourself."

What can I do? How do I even find out what the hell happened to him?
Turns out he's slowly been cutting off the oxygen to his heart. he was having chest pains but he's so in the clouds about his own health he couldn't recognize a heart attack for what it is.

He eventually gets to the hospital with the neighbors help and undergoes treatment.

So Mom gets on a flight to China that night. My sister and I both would like to go, but mom just tells us to go on with what we are supposed to do. What else can we do? Go to china and sit in the hospital? its out of our hands.

I was going to stay home from the Taikai, but mom told me to just work everything out. So I did. I'm glad I did. Because otherwise i'd have had the day off from work and nothing to do int he house other than sit and think the worst, I'd have gone crazy. No information until mom gets there.. what to do.

Being around good people helped, just being engaged in thought other than my own I held it together pretty well. Everyone ate lunch together, so I ate. I realized today that I probably wouldn't have cuz i really didn't have an appetite.

20 hours later she gets there and we get some ore solid information, he's conscious, had been conscious the whole time, just in pain. They'd given him the drugs and he's in observation, but definite answer from them about how critical he is, they don't know the right questions to ask. And I still suspect they are giving me the :kid talk" make it sound not as bad to keep the kids calm.

Today things go back to "normal" I go to school stick back into my schedule, and I realized how much focus I needed to even do that. I was supposed to study, and I couldn't even focus on the first sentence in the book. then the next thing i noticed it was 3:30 and i hadn't eaten since the night before. I forced down a few bites of a muffin in class, but thats all I could do.

that class gets going and i get a call from my sister.. I can't pick up.. but its home calling, so i don't know if its because we have more news or what... then a few minutes later i get an international call, most likely from my mom

2 calls in a row. Are they trying to get a hold of me with news? I stepped out of class to check the messages, and mom wants me to call China when i have time.

I had enough.
couldn't finish sitting through class i was going home.

I finally get to talk to him, and he's able to talk on the phone, thats good. he's able to eat.. thats good too.
so he's under observation for a week or two.. thats good so to say..

then the anger set in... the things he said " if i had been taken away thing time.." and crap like " i was just tiered and it got to me, usually i can wait it out." WTF so this isn't your first f"in heart attack?!?!?!?!?!

I don't know how to deal with him, i know i'm mad because I care, but damn sometimes I want to punch him.

SO this roller coaster of emotions. not too fun.

thank you for not taking him yet.


thank you to everyone that's been there with me and looked out for me. I don't know how to show my gratitude.