something mellow, to go with this weather

losing control

I can feel it. its harder to control my body, day by day i can feel it.
I train, I want to have that kind of control over my mucles.
It was getting easier, but now, i'm stuck.
progress is slow.
My mind and spirit have broken through barriers that i never thought i'd find.
But my body is still falling behind.
I can't stop the rythm.
But I need to play a differnt melody.

Terms

I don't know whenn its going to heppen, when life's going to turn and confront you... when death will confront you.
Can you keep your focus and your calm when the apocolypse starts raining down from the sky?
At any moment it can mean your life, it can mean someone else's life.
Will you be ready?
Can you reach into your spirit and find that strength that demands you to choose to fight?
Can you define life? death? without having had that expereince?
When the the time comes will you be focused? will you be calm? will you will your fight?
Death, is inevitable, surviving life is optional, living life is not gauranteed.
So when that moment in life call upon your strength, your spirit..
can you reach deep enough inside to face life, face death, look them square in the eye and say
"I'll let you take me, but only on my terms"

Even if its just a bittersweet thing i feel for now..

you might never find out, but a girl needs to feel like this sometimes.
Thats whats been missing for so long, I've given this up for something logical, something functional... and in the end, this was where i was looking to end up.

* 靠近一点点 - Lara


再靠近一点点

默默在你的身后 守侯的我
多想看你不经意的笑容
或许我的心你不懂
我会努力让你感动
在你眼中有多么笨拙的我
决不放弃追逐你的执著
只要你能再多些回应我
一个笑 或点头 全接受
能不能再靠近一点点
大声说出你所有感觉
别再紧紧关在 只有自己的世界
温暖太阳为你迎接
能不能再靠近一点点
能不能再勇敢一点点
就算让我知道 我永远只是单恋
我也会藏着感谢 笑着和你说再见

想

多一些精神與衝動
去做一些愚蠢的事

活的簡單一點

愛的幸福一點

roller coaster

So, my dad is in some hospital in China.
Saturday I get a voice mail on my phone after work with him breathing heavily going : "this is your dad, listen to your mom, take care of yourself."

What can I do? How do I even find out what the hell happened to him?
Turns out he's slowly been cutting off the oxygen to his heart. he was having chest pains but he's so in the clouds about his own health he couldn't recognize a heart attack for what it is.

He eventually gets to the hospital with the neighbors help and undergoes treatment.

So Mom gets on a flight to China that night. My sister and I both would like to go, but mom just tells us to go on with what we are supposed to do. What else can we do? Go to china and sit in the hospital? its out of our hands.

I was going to stay home from the Taikai, but mom told me to just work everything out. So I did. I'm glad I did. Because otherwise i'd have had the day off from work and nothing to do int he house other than sit and think the worst, I'd have gone crazy. No information until mom gets there.. what to do.

Being around good people helped, just being engaged in thought other than my own I held it together pretty well. Everyone ate lunch together, so I ate. I realized today that I probably wouldn't have cuz i really didn't have an appetite.

20 hours later she gets there and we get some ore solid information, he's conscious, had been conscious the whole time, just in pain. They'd given him the drugs and he's in observation, but definite answer from them about how critical he is, they don't know the right questions to ask. And I still suspect they are giving me the :kid talk" make it sound not as bad to keep the kids calm.

Today things go back to "normal" I go to school stick back into my schedule, and I realized how much focus I needed to even do that. I was supposed to study, and I couldn't even focus on the first sentence in the book. then the next thing i noticed it was 3:30 and i hadn't eaten since the night before. I forced down a few bites of a muffin in class, but thats all I could do.

that class gets going and i get a call from my sister.. I can't pick up.. but its home calling, so i don't know if its because we have more news or what... then a few minutes later i get an international call, most likely from my mom

2 calls in a row. Are they trying to get a hold of me with news? I stepped out of class to check the messages, and mom wants me to call China when i have time.

I had enough.
couldn't finish sitting through class i was going home.

I finally get to talk to him, and he's able to talk on the phone, thats good. he's able to eat.. thats good too.
so he's under observation for a week or two.. thats good so to say..

then the anger set in... the things he said " if i had been taken away thing time.." and crap like " i was just tiered and it got to me, usually i can wait it out." WTF so this isn't your first f"in heart attack?!?!?!?!?!

I don't know how to deal with him, i know i'm mad because I care, but damn sometimes I want to punch him.

SO this roller coaster of emotions. not too fun.

thank you for not taking him yet.


thank you to everyone that's been there with me and looked out for me. I don't know how to show my gratitude.

giving in

i don't want to need this, somehow i don't think its fair to need these kind of things from people...

but maybe its just human... to need more than to want.

女人

要為自己更美麗

要讓世界嘆圍觀止

breathe

its like you never notice how hard you were struggling until the moment you let go.

then all of the sudden you can breath again, theres no more tension

and i see my hands shaking from holding on so hard.

but now I'm fumbling

you forget how to protect yourself

and the world doesn't stop taking you by surprise.

怎麽辦?

不要對我太好

我不懂得怎麽去接受

受了傷

心動因該很難.

something from the old me, something i need to remember

October 2003

The waves of Ocean Beach seem so different than the other beaches I've seen. It's not the first time I've been here, but sadly its the first time I noticed how unique it looked. The waves are so close together and so far out when they break, it seems like the sand itself bubbles and foams. It reminds me of the Little Mermaid legend, where she dissolves into the ocean as beautiful sea foam, to live a brilliant but short life as her beauty did. Short as it may have been, at least she lived for her heart and let her emotions make her alive. And that life may have been short but it must have felt like centuries to her. Waiting and longing day after day hoping for something so far out of reach.
Sitting here I keep thinking of an incident so long ago I'm surprised I remember it.
When he was still well, He had taken us on an excursion on San Francisco public transit, which should have ultimately ended at Ocean Beach. We never made it there. I was young, not older than 8, and we had tiered as the day went by. I vividly remember the moment by the side of the curb, when he asked if we wanted to continue, and my answer was a definite, tiered, no. Don't know why I remember that moment like a burn into my skin, but I do. Perhaps I had some feeling of guilt for not spending more time with him at the beach that he was so excited to take his grandchildren to. This memory caught hold of me as I was on the N train, taking this impromptu trip to the beach on a chilly fall afternoon.
In reality I don't know why I decided to come out of the blue. But as I was listening to the pace of the world draw by like the scenery of an old classic movie, I remembered. We never really came with grandpa, ever. As I sat there on the train I felt that maybe he had led me here today to teach me one more life lesson that he never communicated with words. Perhaps that simple man was pushing me in a direction with some answers to life.
And I cried on the train, as I am crying now as I write this. I cry, but I am so happy still. I will see this as the day thats brought me to a revelation about myself and how i see my life. This is the day where all the confusion of the past few months become clear, and my existence comes to mean something to myself. I feel purpose.
So I come to realize how alive I really am. In a short amount of time I've experienced all the emotions that remind me that I do indeed "feel", and that proves that I am alive, at least to myself. I want to cry, but I don't know if it is out of sadness. I feel so full, so I cry, like a cup brimming over with revelations just to empty itself so that it can receive more. Love, Lost, fear, anger, pride, embarrassment, joy... they all seem to blend into one.
Things change, and sometimes things get out of hand and maybe a little hectic, but I feel like I can look at the world and it's all moving ever so slowly. Melancholy? I don't know, but I get to see the beauty in things, even the simplest of things. A lonely windchime in a sunny window, a shrub swaying in the wind on a city sidewalk, the birds scurrying at the edge of the water where the waves crash... maybe it's zen, if i ever knew such a thing.
And I see a young family of four strolling on the beach, they look happy, at least I would hope them to be.
Don't think I will worry much anymore, everything seems to happen for a reason, as uncomfortable or frustrating as some events in life may seem, how it made me feel. I realize now that it only happened so that I CAN feel. And see that I am more alive than ever, and i think, feel, that thats a beautiful thing. I see that when I stop questioning how the universe works in its never ending cycles of abyss, I can see it clearly. Like i am looking at it for the first time,like a child discovering night and day for the first time. And Life, as I see it has never looked better.
One would think that looking at the world with joy, sadness, fear, hope, anger, love all at the same time maybe confusing. But I can honestly say I've never seen things with such clarity. I can very clearly feel what makes me.
I will take this as my first conscious lesson in life from my grandfather, who I feel speaks with the crashing of those waves. He was nothing more than a father, son, a husband, a friend to many,grandfather, a simple man, but very profound in this lesson he teaches.
I may never be the same, but for better for worse I will always be myself.
This is my day at the beach with him.

不能不承認

想要當 一次

漂亮的讓你面紅的可愛女人

想要當 一次

溫柔的讓你心疼的可愛女人

想要當 一次

聰明的讓你感動的可愛女人

想要當 一次

壞壞的讓你瘋狂的可愛女人

Melody

ame no nioi
kusa no iro
seikatsu no merodi

utsukushii na

just in time

the rain on Friday, came just in time.

I like the rain, and i loved having it on my day off when i could enjoy it. Even if its just driving in it.

its true, a flood this year doesn't make up for the drought last year.

the smallest things, seem to give me some comfort and mean so much more.

放了

也好.

保護自已......有一點累

不能再等待 追不上的腳步

也許...

你沒有

但是

今天我笑了

likewise

你對我的好, 我都知道

謝謝你的溫柔.

Expression

i need this outlet because it fills a void somehwere.

its why i wanted to choose art to choose music to choose ideas.

why paint? because it has this human touch that cannot be created by anyhting else other than our hands and out minds.

its that ability that makes us more than computers, it makes me feel human.

the flaws in the lines, in my paint storkes... its all very human, so tangible, and so undiciplined.
Its one of the places where imperfection is supposed to define what i do.
like kendo.
everyday you train, you're getting told what you're doing wrong. and everything you get yelled at for are the most bsic and most detrimental flaws to your kendo. so you train more. work harder, but its never going to be perfect
becasue its not human to be perfect
it makes me feel very human.

but thats the beauty of being human, that we can never be perfect but we can always be better.
the possibility to constantly move forward and be the become better, to progress, we have that.

work

Jellies in BC



Fable: Fox and Grapes

On Love...

Please, bear with me, as I get all sappy for a moment. But know here, that this is a bigger idea than that of romantic sentiments. Love, as an interaction between people.

So it seems... all I hear these days from everyone.. is this outcry of needing to "be loved".

When did this happen?.. when did it become such a one directional thing? Love?
Everyone wants to "be loved". Who is there to "give love"?

I think, its a part of being human, our ability and need to "give love".
Yet, we seem to hold back, wait for other people to take that first step... so in the end we're all in a stalemate...this waiting game. Like a crowd of people waiting cross the street without a stoplight, it just takes that first person to take a chance and step out into traffic.
Why? Why do we have to wait for other people to make that first move? What do we really have to lose? Giving love doesn't cost anything , but to care, even if its the smallest amount. There doesn't even need to be a physical manifestation of it, just a connect between two consciousnesses.

Maybe a lot of our problems don't stem from "not being loved", but from "not being able to love".

There seems to be a lot of discussion on having children as I approach a certain age, and so far I've only heard one valid and acceptable reason to have them, from an old friend that taught me a lot about life, and my love as it were.
He said " I want children, because I have a lot of love to give."

We're so focused on "being loved", that we forget how good it feels to give it, we forget that to love someone else, to "give love", is essential in the process of "being loved".

And why not "give love"? its the only aspect of it we can control, that we can pro actively create. We can't control if someone will "love you" and we can't ever choose to "not love" if it is already there, but we can actively choose "to love".

so let us "give love"

"It’s only the air you took and the breath you left"

-John Mayer


When I look for something inside myself that I can't find many answers to, there are shadows that help me find light. More often than not, as of late, they have been yours.
You said, I saved you, I still don't know how I ever could. Our paths only crossed for a brief moment, but I learned so much, enough that I know its changed my life.
We knew that this would be it, we knew that we would only become shadows in each other's lives, how ever changed we were out of our encounter.

I hope that Grecian sun is good to you, as I hope life will be kind for you. Thank you for your willingness to "give love".


Crazy how people can show up, change your life by teaching you something, even if its just one thing. And how they may never appear in your life again, but that connect is never broken, and you know that someone out there cares. They don't just impact your story, they help write it.