I tried to pray today.

And I didn't know what to say.

Seems our wants are trivial.

In the end the only thing I could say was " forgive us" .

You chose him. I didn't.

I'm not willing to throw away my life and happiness for him. You are.

I don't love him as much as you do.

I've accepted this is how we are.

I don't want anything else from him.

You can't fix this for him.

Hey there

Dear God,
I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I know you've been there because I'm still alive.
Thanks

Louis CK - Girls vs Women

fuzzy pictures

I don't think I've ever imagined my own wedding. I don't remember ever really wanting to be married. I never was a girl with real life fairy tales in my head. But story books are okay, they belong there.

Planning other people's day.. bringing their vision to life seems so much easier. They know what they want. I know how to get it for them.

For me...I can just now barely see the day.. but I can't see any color scheme.. I can't see any flower placements.. I can't see any dress style... I can't imagine any frivolous detail...

but I hear laughter... I hear the rowdy cheers...I see smiles.. that, I know I definitely want.

wish

I would use a wish. Maybe a few. Bring me back to a time when the bank didn't exist.

I was 6, and I stopped dreaming. I never had the kind of audacity to say "I want this", even so, what I want doesn't seem relevant.

Sure, you wouldn't say anything to discourage me, but I was up at night hiding in the dark, listening to the fights. If I could do something to pay for this, then maybe it would stop, and the hurt would stop.

I understood what it meant when you told me you'd be so proud of when we grew up and made lot of money.

If that is all I am to you, then maybe I should re-evaluate what you are to me.

自毀

something so intense and reaches so deep, you can only drown.

reckless.

damn the sensible.

self-destruct

I could care less who wins a point, who wins the game.

It might seems a bit irresponsible, but I love fighting the matches because I know, in the end, win or lose, I will die. So, there is nothing to hold back.

In a way its like the rush of suicide. To completely self-destruct and shed everything that's been weighing you down feels like the light at the end of the tunnel. A tunnel you've lost your breath trying to get out of.

The time is defined, the space is defined, its the only place where all other decisions I have to make don't matter, all I have to find is what I can do in this time, in this space.

My opponent never has a face, never has a name. Every match is between me and my greatest enemy, who is also my greatest savior; the same one I see in the mirror.

At some point. I have to trust myself.

I'm so sorry that the American Dream was a broken one for you.
But today, I have decided that I am no longer your collateral damage.


I might have to get out there and fail a million times and make a million mistakes, but they will be for my own sake.

I've wasted so many years not dreaming, I have a lot of time to make up.

I will find myself, I will love myself; despite what you've led me to believe.

yeah, feels kind of like that

every now and then. I can't help but question some things.

easier to get there if you know what you're looking for

to stop my opponent in their tracks,

to have the in awe of my spirit,

not for its strength, or its enormity,

but to be in awe of it's completeness.

in hopes that I am complete and whole.

for the body and the sprirt

Kendo is where I train the spirit.

Now, karate will be for my body.

maybe one day they will mirror each other.