我願意

its not heavy.

let me show you life.

i saw it.

because for once i let someone see mine.

bandage

two people in need

just need each other.

human touch... healing touch

Its a sensation that can give you some proof of continuity beyond your own conciouss.

its intense, but if you give in to it, and give in to recieve it, it can sooth the oldest wounds.

in keeping my affection, cutting myself off from that one sense.. I thought i could protect myself.

... but in the end I find that, i've just been denying myself the same, because, to touch, is to be touched.

substance

I've been trying to feel for something...some kind of intensity that goes deep.

and I felt it today.

its not something that can be spoken into being,you can't fake it, you just have to have it. that kind of intensity.
other people feel it when it radiates off of you.



I didn't win, I didn't have much to bring, but I felt that intensity coursing through every hair.

go for broke? maybe not on the outside, but inside, i felt something more powerful.

Kind of funny.
I was trying to stay quiet before my matches, and not speak. take my time to read throughly my tenugui, put on my gear, feel out all the contours of my himos.
and in my head I think " i have nothing much to bring, but all I can do is bare the intensity of my spirit, it may not shock them, it may not win anything, but it will move them."
"show them your intensity, make them feel it."
"there is no me, no you, no time"


and for those moments in those matches, I felt that kind of power in my mind and my body.

watching the following matches that the Sacramento girls played was amusing, as Mr. C's cheering/advise kept including the word "intensity" or phrases like " stay intense"
wonder if i was thinking out loud...


I have anxiety about sensei's comments, but I am anxious to know.
did he watch? how did it look? what should i focus on now?
I saw the video, looks much better than the last few, I'm straighter, not leaning as much, and it looks cleaner.

again though... must start transferring my intensity to my body, and express it through more and better kendo...go for broke with real "ki ken tai ichi"

geeeeeked

i'm too happy over this... someone bring me back to earth.

" thats miyata sensei's doh"
>.<

stoke!
and here I was thinking that mine sucked so bad because I kept getting corrected on it.

wheew~!

He was watching me do waza on thursday too.. could barely breath when he was watching, because he'd make good on that promise to beat me if my kendo was "too small"...
and he didn't say anything, just walked away... wheeew...best compliment i can get.

makes me feel so unprepared for shiai's
have to get back to basics.

must.

I try hard not to forget

" .. i remember a time when i thought i had all this shit figured out.. now i see why all those older people were just shaking their heads. A person needs their world and ideals to come crashing down on them to learn certain things, and a certain level of humility."-my kindred spirit

worlds need to break down before we can learn.

its a painful process.

the longer you put it off, the more painful that breakdown will be.

It's gotten easier for me over the years, you learn to identify that pain, and in a small way enjoy it, because you know you can only learn from it.

one song

and the world feels different.

kinda of proves that 我是一個感性的人

什麼都捨得

到這裡　只能送你到這裡
是我沒勇氣陪你走下去　沒有勇氣
對不起　我害怕看見你的背影

不哭泣　說好誰也不哭泣
是我不爭氣　我的眼淚多麼不爭氣
對不起　答應我你要照顧自己

不要你什麼　只要你快樂
再多的辛苦也都是值得
更值得的是回憶是一輩子
我在你心裡住過一陣子

不要你什麼　只要你記得
誰曾是你最依偎的那個
那個人是我　也許走遠了
為了看你多一次微笑　我什麼都捨得

- 戴佩妮


雖然是, 受了傷

但, 突然發現, 我的愛, 我的溫柔, 很難收回來

還是恨不了你

Intensity

this is who I am

I can't stop it

I won't stop it


我會讓你窒息

but I make it fair

lets not forget what we are

Moron

So I was driving down to meet Lissy for her B-day dinner, and as the day at work had passed.. i was more and more impatient and annoyed with thing sin life, and i found my self sighing...hence the previous note..

but as i was driving.. i all of the sudden went from trying to find my breath to laughing, and I hadn't laughed like that in a long long time... it went deep.

I realized, shit, I'm a moron.

its a good thing really. it explains a lot.

So what if the world is the way it is.. i just need to kick back a bit.

i had a good time today, met some new people, and it was really really nice.
good connection good conversation.. well more like talked a lot of shit.. but to get it that well timed takes some skills.

fear

because i can feel it.

because you realize only after you start breathing again that your breath was taken away.

and you didn't want to give it away.



and you realize... that if its making you sigh, then it maybe time to let go.

it may not be worth it



but you realize you're just scared.


I'll admit, I'm scared.

when..

when did it happen?

this line between girl and woman.

is there a clear distinction? should there be?

and do I want to fall on either side of that line...

If only this was how we could all relate.

if only this was how people can be with everyone.
if only we could all pick things up and let them go... and still remember the whole point of it was just to experience life.
then maybe we could be happy.

"Thank you for remembering. Last year you took me to elephant bar with all the yummy. Tonight I had Gnochi that melts in the mouth. I can barely keep my eyes open and I'm trying not to turn overly mushy but meeting you was one of the best things that happened to me. Even if I don't get to see you I just feel much less alone in the world. Thanks for all the Happy."

be happy. please.

conversation

...........

"why?"
"because I care, and you're important to me"
"..."
"i do"
"but, do you care enough not to do anything?"
*thoughtful exasperation* "hmph..... you try me."
"i know i do, or you wouldn't care."
*chuckle*

............


I still remember that... I was 20 then.
Pity the fool that tries to take me home.

number one on my list

http://imdb.com/gallery/ss/0480242/Carell6.jpg.html

little girls, not your time yet.